Hey Nick. This poem is by Buzzy Enniss. I bought his book in Portland this summer and read it all the other night. It’s awesome and funny. I was going to type out another one for your Birthday, but I just reread it, and it doesn’t work very well. This one will just make you feel good, which is what Birthdays are for, to make you feel good. Special.

Oh warning, this is not a short poem.

IF I WAS JESUS

If I was Jesus

I would rewrite parts of the bible

Instead of always just walking on water

sometimes I would swim through it really really fast

Instead of always giving blind people normal sight

Every now and then I would give them infrared vision

Like that thing from Predator

If I was Jesus

I’d makes a world where lawyers had to wait tables to pay their bills

While artists and musicians ordered their food and asked for

“More wine, please.”

If I was Jesus

I’d use the pick-up line

Hey Baby, I’m the Son of God, ya know

If I was Jesus

I would make carrots bigger

If I was Jesus

I would wear a loincloth because it would be socially acceptable, and comfortable

If I was Jesus

And someone prayed, asking me for help with his or her job interview,

I would tell them to go dressed as Underdog, and then watch, just for fun

If I was Jesus

I would walk into every place of worship – Jewish, Mormon, Muslim, Jehovah’s Witness,

Catholic and Christian – just to see who had really learned the most from me

If I was Jesus

I would remove the part of people that slows down to look at car accidents on the freeway

If I was Jesus

I would make everyone that wears a cross around their neck for fashion feel for 30 sec-

onds what I felt on that cross for 6 1/2 hours

If I was Jesus

I would die for you, and surprise you three days later by kissing the back of your neck

I would send you a piece of my robe when you got sick

I would tell you what the top of the stars look like

I would never let you itch again

If I was Jesus

I would turn the 70% of you that is water into wine and kiss you with the taste of Merlot on our lips

If I was Jesus

I would be with you right now

by Buzz Enniss

I realize this was probably written for his wife, but the last line was so good I had to share it with you. Nick, if I was Jesus, I would be with you right now. Happy Birthday brother. I miss and love you. Go home for Christmas so Mom and Dad aren’t alone in the house for our Jesus’ Birthday.

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